I held my sleeping baby today, his warm, sweet, milky breath blowing gently on my face. I snuggled him close and he fit instinctively against me.
He had been getting restless and fidgeting and the paci + swing combo wasn't working for him anymore. So I took him in my arms and we burrowed into the corner of the couch. I knew I was using him. He was my excuse for taking advantage of the sudden, rare quiet that filled my house. The quiet that happens -maybe- for only 2 hours in the afternoon, as my 2 little ones rest their busy bodies, the dog curls up in a patch of sunshine and my mind can finally hear itself. Today I took advantage of that moment with my son, letting the thoughts of the laundry half-done, dinner to be decided & thawed, phone calls and emails to be returned, blogging to be updated, my house that hasn't been properly cleaned since my holiday company left and probably since my son was born... letting those thoughts dissolve and instead focusing only on his cherub face resting so close to mine.
His hand flexed in his sleep and I put my finger against his palm so he would instinctively grab it. I marveled at his long fingers. His hands should be chubby, to match his size, but his extra-long fingers stretch out instead. His body, too, should be more rolls and dimples to match his weight, but, to me at least, he just looks- big! He was 11 pounds at the beginning of this 5th week on our home scale- I shake my head in wonder! I only have my daughter to compare to, and, being as uninterested in eating as he is interested, she was always lean and petite. Which makes him seem so- big! His body is warm in my arms as he stretches then snuggles closer. How can such a little person make so much heat?!
The silence in the house stretches mercifully on, even the ice maker seems content not to shatter the spell. My mind wants to jump and race from thought to thought- it doesn't usually get this much time to itself! But I force myself to just sit, and enjoy the moment. I want to capture this time somehow, since I know it's not repeatable. Even by tomorrow he will have grown; it all happens so fast. He already looks more baby than newborn at 5 weeks old, and with his appetite, he'll continue to fill out and get more- big! I wish for a brief moment that there was another silent observer here to unobtrusively snap our picture and capture the moment, but at the same time I don't want to share this space, this moment, my mommy-time. So I let my mind instead describe it as best possible in words, so I can later write it here. I know I won't capture it perfect- the unusually beautiful winter day out the window, the peacefulness that surrounds us, the satisfaction from just holding a sleeping baby in your arms, the connection I feel grow more unbreakable every time I hold this little person. And I know my words are also a Prayer of thanksgiving, for this moment and all in my life that make it possible.